yes that is what i meant
I'm a lot fatter in real life
This is the one time of year that I love wasps.
Not because the wasps themselves get any nicer. They’re horrid little creatures year round. No, it’s because I have a couple of big apple trees out back, and late August, early September is when the apples start ripening.
Now, if you don’t harvest your own fruit, there are two things you need to know about apples.
The first thing you need to know about apples is that, when apples get ripe, they tend to fall from the tree at the slightest breeze.
I often work late at the office; by the time I get home, there are piles of apples scattered everywhere - and sure enough, the wasps are out in force, gorging themselves on the fruit. When I go to clean up the windfallen apples, the wasps naturally do the “rawr, I’ma fuck you up!” routine for which wasps are known.
The second thing you need to know about apples is that they ferment very rapidly in the late August heat.
So: the wasps try to come at me, but they’re too drunk to fly. They get about an inch off the ground, then faceplant directly into the turf, flip over onto their backs, and lay there, legs twitching in the air as they try in vain to find something to sting.
Perhaps I’m a man of simple pleasures, but I bust up laughing every. single. time.
ALRIGHT LETS SETTLE THIS DEBATE. THIS IS A PRAYING EMOJI.
- go to Settings
- go to General
- go to Accessibility (sixth option down)
- the fourth option down is Speak Selection. turn it on.
- open your notes or a messages i dont fucking care but open an app and type the emoji
- highlight the emoji and select Speak
- listen to siri say “hands folded in prayer”
- sigh in relief that you havent been sending high fives to your friends when their grandma’s in the hospital or whatever
DEBATE OVER *mic drop*